#I really hope this doesn’t suck!
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undead-supernova · 9 months ago
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Island Breeze in the Dead of Night / Masterlist
Chapter 5 / Chapter 6 / Chapter 7
plot: you're on vacation and you desperately want to tell Eddie you love him…and how much fear can you swallow before it overflows?
Pairings: modernrockstar!Eddie x fem!popstar!Reader (curvy!reader, bisexual!reader)
Warnings: brief discussion about eating/media body shaming, drinking, Eddie saying some spicy words
wc: 4.3k
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“How’s it going over there on fuck island?”
You snorted at Este’s words, trying to pick up some speed on the treadmill. Luckily there’d been a gym on the island, a must for the tour you’d be preparing for in the next year. You’d been trying to build stamina, tired of wanting to drop dead while onstage. 
Not that there was an album to be toured. You had a few songs, sure. But how the fuck were you supposed to keep writing happy songs? And how were you supposed to do that within the next six months?
Nonetheless, you hated the treadmill. So you called Este. 
“It’s not fuck island,” you corrected. “But, to answer your question, it’s going great.”
It’d only been two days, but it had been blissful. You and Eddie spent most of the days together, lounging by the beach or sleeping. Eating whenever you wanted to. Meeting the rest of the band at the end of the night, one person assigned to cook for every day that you were there. Play board games. Make some drinks. 
And, yes, a lot of fucking. A lot.
Regardless, it was a very laid-back vacation.  
“I’m sure you’re all over each other like sick puppies being like, ‘I love you.’ ‘No, I love you more.’”
You kept quiet.
“You have said I love you, right?” Este asked, her voice slow and deliberate.
���I mean,” you started, trying to think of what to say. “He hasn’t said anything, so I haven’t.”
“You know that someone has to say it first, right? Like, you can just say it and see what he says.”
“I don’t know…”
“You are in love!” she exclaimed. “What else is there to know! If you don’t tell him six months in, then what are you doing?”
There were some things you didn’t like to think about. Especially on vacation in the British Virgin Islands where you spent most of your time sitting in the shade on top of your boyfriend. Why ruin a perfectly good time with talks of those kind of feelings? Why ruin the restoration of your bodies that never seemed to slow down? Why not allow everything to freeze in time for a little bit?
“You’re literally on an island right now,” Este huffed, as if she could read your mind. “How is that not the perfect time to say I love you while snorkeling with dolphins?”
“Under the water?”
“Okay, but what if you end up stepping on a sea urchin and it gets infected and then you die?”
You laughed but had to catch your breath as you sped up again. Beads of sweat dripped down your neck and disappeared into the fabric of your t-shirt. But you could tell some of that sweat was from something else entirely.
“Couldn’t he just pee on it?” you teased.
“Tell him you love him while he pees on your foot."
“Why am I friends with you again?”
“Because you loooove me.”
Before you could respond, there was a knock on the wall. Eddie walked in, startling you. You almost tripped but caught yourself, turning down the speed immediately. 
“Hey, how’s it going in here?” he asked.
“Is that him now?” Este teased.
“Uh, hey, Este, I gotta go,” you said quickly.
“Don’t let me stand in the way of true—”
You ended the call before giving him a nervous smile. 
Eddie was looking…well, he was looking good. He was in a Metallica tank top (a t-shirt he tore to shreds no doubt), black swim trunks, and, shockingly, black flipflops. His tattoos were littered over his arms and legs, the hint of one on his chest popping out. A wild bun thrown to hold his hair back, sunglasses perched on his head.
“Hey.”
“Hey, sweetheart,” he replied, walking over to give you a soft kiss.
You wanted to jump back, to keep him away from how bad you probably smelled but Eddie didn’t seem to mind. Though, he did pat your back instead of giving you a hug. You couldn’t blame him.  
“Wanna get some lunch before we hit the sand?” he asked, holding out his hand.
You nodded, maybe a little enthusiastically, happy to press your palm against his.
“Are you gonna let me shower first?”
“Maybe,” he whispered, leaning into your neck to lick up some of your sweat. “Stinky.”
Despite the small whimper that left your lips at the stimulation, you murmured, “You’re so gross.”
“Didn’t sound like you found it gross,” he teased, already tugging you towards the door.
You rolled your eyes, unable to deny the accusation. 
“Shut up.”
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Lunch was peaceful, with Eddie ordering you whatever you desired. He told you to enjoy yourself, enjoy your time on the island. He was sweet like that, always encouraging you to eat what you wanted, whenever you wanted. It was something he never shied away from being made known.
“Why do you do that?” you asked him when a second piña colada was placed in front of you.
He gave you a grin, slipping another French fry between his teeth before responding. 
“I just like seeing you do what you want to do.” He leaned in further. “And, if I’m being honest, you always do what everyone else wants you to. ‘Oh, do this. Do that. Eat this. Don’t eat that!’ Fuck that. I hate that shit. You're not some clay pot they can mold or whatever. It's ridiculous.”
You couldn’t disagree. “And you think me eating all this food will change that?” you half-joked.
“I think you eating whatever the fuck you want and not worrying about what anyone else thinks is a good start.” He took a sip of his frozen margarita, one with a little umbrella, before adding, “And when you’re with me, sweetheart, you don’t have to compromise a damn thing. I’ll make sure of that.”
His words affected you more than you wanted them to. It wasn’t like he was wrong. Months and months ago, you’d let it slip that you ate extra healthy in public so tabloids couldn’t have “evidence” to slam you for your looks. That the sheer idea of eating bread or pasta was unheard of if anyone could see. (Not to mention having to order dessert to go, in secret in order to throw off the scent of fatphobic headlines.) You never won when it came to the media, even if you were content with how you looked.
By the time you and Eddie left the restaurant, well-fed and slightly tipsy, Eddie had you pinned up against any wall he could, lips attached to yours. Whispers of how pretty you looked, murmurs of things he wanted to do to you later. It left you in a fit of giggles that were quickly swallowed by his mouth.
It was a scene to behold, out in plain sight, but it was addictive. It was exactly what you’d wanted as a teenager who dreamed of true love. A love to call yours without hindrance from the opinions of others. 
You would stay forever if this was what the rest of your life looked like. Just the two of you, lovestruck on an island that seemed to leave you alone. 
When you set your stuff down at the beach, you couldn’t help but stare at Eddie removing his top. It was something else to see Eddie nearly undressed in public, sprinkled with dappled sunlight. Face risking the promise of sunburn, all rosy-cheeked and red-nosed. The scent of sunscreen wafting off him, sand somehow littering his hair. It was everything.
Under your sundress was that turquoise bikini Eddie had gotten you months before. You’d been wary about wearing it in public for the first time, but he promised you that people weren’t privy to taking photos here. That you were just as safe as you’d been in his pool. That you deserved to feel good.
And when you took the dress off, you could feel Eddie’s eyes raking over you. Because you turned, watching him stare at you through his sunglasses. He did that thing from the movies, pulling them down to the bridge of his nose, brown eyes dilating.
“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” you chided.
“Mm, I’d rather take a Polaroid,” he said, making grabbing motions with his hands so you’d come closer. His hands found your hips before giving them a light squeeze. “And then, you know, cum all over it later.”
His words had you flustered, looking around as you hoped no one else could hear him. The others on the beach were too far away, but you couldn’t help but feel exposed. Some part of you knew it was because of your swimsuit, but you tried not to let it eat at your brain.
“I’d like that,” you said back, quieter than before. “But you better shut that pretty mouth of yours before I drag you back to our place.”
“Our place?” he questioned, a cheeky grin popping out. You rolled your eyes as his face got closer. “You wanna call it ours?”
Too bashful to respond, you kissed his shoulder before stepping back and walking towards the water. He was right behind you, hands finding purchase on your waist. It was as if he was stuck to you, making sure he followed wherever you strayed. 
You couldn’t cope with how much you liked it.
You couldn’t cope with how much you loved him.
“Don’t like my teasing?” he asked as your feet touched the water. 
Shaking your head, you took a tentative step forward. It was hard to tell the full truth, no matter how much you’d already shared. For some reason, everything still felt so delicate. Even six months in, it felt like it could all slip from your fingers at any moment. Why call something “ours” when there was no promise that it would be there tomorrow?
And why the hell were you thinking like that right now?         
“I like it a little too much,” you admitted despite your reluctancy. Forcing yourself to make eye contact, you added, “The idea of something being ours.”
“Does it now?” he asked. His voice was playful, but you could see that it made him feel soft when he pursed his lips, dimples deepening. 
“Mhm,” you responded, feeling a bit more confident.
Eddie kissed your cheek. “I’ll keep that in mind, fair maiden.”
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The squeal of a child is what awoke you. Eyes fluttering open, your eyes adjusted to the light behind your sunglasses. And the ache of them sitting on the bridge of your nose had you tearing them off. Which, yeah, was a mistake. 
The umbrella seemed larger than before, cocooning you from the rest of the beach. A little paradise in public, all warm and cozy. It wasn’t shocking to find that you’d fallen asleep. 
“What time is it?” Eddie asked from under you.
“We fell asleep. Again,” you said with a yawn, sitting up. “I think it’s two? Maybe?”
Eddie was already wrapping his arms around your waist and pulling you back on top of him. Nuzzling himself back into you. Keeping you hostage.
“Good thing we napped, ‘cause we’re partying tonight,” he said with a mischievous grin. “It’s Emo Night over at one of the clubs.”
Raising an eyebrow, you looked down at him. “Thought you guys didn’t party anymore, old man.”
Throwing his free hand over his chest, he said, “We’re on vacation and you wound me.” Your shared laughter mixed seamlessly before he planted a kiss on your collarbone. “Come on, what do you say?”
You let out a huff. “I already said yes two minutes ago in my mind.”
Eddie looked up, grinning like a devil before pulling you down to connect your lips. 
You really could just stay there forever. 
You really, really could.
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When you went to get ready for the night, your embarrassment set in as you stared down at your suitcase. You hadn’t brought anything black because you never really wore anything black. But you refused to say anything to Eddie or the others, too nervous you’d sound insecure. 
But the thing was that you were insecure. And if you did say something, Eddie would offer his clothes that you couldn’t fit into. So, instead, you sucked it up and made yourself look damn good in what you already had: a tight baby pink tank top and a short white pleated skirt with some wedges. The outfit complemented your curves, hitting your waistline just right. You were a beauty queen to behold, no matter how out of place you’d look tonight. 
When he got out of the bath, Eddie was there to shower you in compliments as he ate you out, skyrocketing your confidence like never before. And if you so happened to give him head before having to redo your makeup, well, it was worth it.
The two of you were rushing out the door, trying desperately to make it to the others in time before you had to leave. As you sped walked through the winding streets, you couldn’t help but look over at Eddie. He’d stayed in a black wife-beater and a pair of fitted black shorts. Kept his signature rings and beat-up black Converse. Hair in a low bun, eyes shadowed in sparkly charcoal, and his guitar pick choker. Your pretty boy, your gorgeous boyfriend. 
A chorus of greetings sounded the moment Grant opened the door. Everyone was decked in their usual ensembles, only altered slightly to accommodate the weather. Gareth, Jeff, and Grant even complimented you on your outfit, lowering your insecurities just enough to breathe momentarily.
But something you noticed was Ronnie eyeing you. It wasn’t obvious at first, just catching her gaze every now and then. By the sixth time you caught her looking you up and down, you were fully aware. Not to mention extremely confused by the behavior.
And it wasn’t something neutral. No, her eyes seemed to narrow bit by bit as Eddie held onto you. As he laughed with Grant over an inside joke. As he handed you another shot with a kiss.
Giving you this look that bordered on a warning. Like you were doing something wrong. Or, rather, she still expected you to make a mistake. Trip up and prove her right.
All you wanted to ask her was what could prove her wrong. What could you do to possibly give her the impression that you were worthy of Eddie’s affections?
But that was something you still wondered for yourself.
It was a chilling thought that you held the same questions. 
After pre-gaming with a round of shots and a shared joint, the six of you headed out to the club. Slightly cross-faded, the journey into the club was a little hazy. Because there were bodies upon bodies, all dressed like your boyfriend and the four others in your group. And you stood out for the most part, noticing glances from strangers.
But there was Eddie, arm snug around your waist as you made your way over to what seemed to be a private area overlooking the rest of the crowd on the dance floor. A shot was put in your hand and before you could think, the six of you were throwing them back like it was nothing. And judging by how drunk you already were, it sure tasted like nothing.
Right after slamming the glasses on the table, “If You Can’t Hang” by Sleeping With Sirens started, causing the crowd to cheer. You were one of them, looking at Eddie with a wide grin as he smiled at you.
“Ready to dance, pretty girl?” he asked.
You giggled. “Oh, I was born ready, pretty boy.”
The entire group moved to the dance floor, dangerously close to the growing pit. But you felt a surge of impulse, winking at Eddie and nodding over at the circle. A grin stretched across his face before you pulled him into the whirlpool. He howled in hysterical laughter as you went round and round, arms locked together as you moved around the pit. 
You yelled the lyrics with him, giggling at the way Eddie was straining to sound just like Kellin Quinn. Stomping your aching feet through a circle, stabilized by the people on the outside. Round and round you went, a carousel of sweaty bodies colliding, all blissful in the shared comradery. An adoration for music and human connection.
This was better than any after party you’d been to.
         “I met a girl talking away!
         She found a boy she knew she’d change!
         I changed my hair, my clothes, my face
         To watch us go our separate ways!”
What a gorgeous rush it was to be there with him. To be people for once, not just celebrities. It was just you and those around you, all able to enjoy this moment together. You were normal. You were human. 
And when Eddie grabbed you and swung you both out of the pit, he kept a grip on you. Kissed your temple before pulling you back towards the others. Swayed and let the people around you move you towards your destination.
“You’re fucking crazy for going in blind!” Jeff screamed as you neared, stabling you when the crowd jostled again. “Fucking crazy.”
You merely laughed, shrugging at him. “What can I say? I’m having a good time.”
“Have you ever been in a pit before?”
You turned at the sound of Ronnie’s voice, your smile starting to falter just a little bit. Just enough for her to catch.
Because no. No, you hadn’t. And you didn’t realize that that mattered to her. Or to anyone for that matter.
“Uh, no,” you responded.
“I think it’s hot,” Eddie said into your ear before looking over your shoulder. “She was great for her first time, right?”
You turned back around to meet his wild eyes, more interested in him than whatever the fuck Ronnie had to say about your behavior. He started singing again, attention now on you and only you.
It was addicting, gesturing with your hands as you screamed with your boyfriend at the top of your lungs. There was a certain form of catharsis that came from moments like these, fueled with the release of every negative emotion once associated with the lyrics. Now they were transformed into joy, a shred of light at the end of whatever tunnel that song had once held you in.
As the final verse kicked in, you pulled Eddie’s mouth to yours. Gasped at the way his fingers dug into your waist. Basked in the love that was overflowing from your heart. Your fingertips. Your eyes. Your mouth. Every piece of you was mesmerized by this moment, this little pocket of perfection that couldn’t be replaced. And, God, you truly believed for a moment that it was going to last forever.
         “Would you please stay and come inside, baby?
         Would you please stay and please be mine?”
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To say that you were drunker than you’d been in months was an understatement. 
Shot after shot, one drink after another, you were filling up with a bubbly kind of adrenaline. You rotated in jumping into the pit, all of you ending up there at some point. What was left of a voice in your head kept you out of Ronnie’s way, her cold shoulder always too close for comfort. 
But Eddie suggested you get a final round. And who were you to pass up on that offer?
As you and Eddie headed towards the bar, you could hear the faint sound of someone calling both of your names. You didn’t want to turn, didn’t want to give attention to a stranger, but you couldn’t help it. And when you did turn, you saw a woman make direct eye contact with you.
All green eyes and wavy blonde hair, looking like a rock star’s girlfriend. Short denim skirt and even shorter crop top, smiling with mauve lipstick. She was really pretty. And then she looked at you, practically scoffing at your appearance. 
“Oh my god, Eddie?” the girl squealed, turning her face into something more innocent. “I’m a huge C-C fan.”
C-C?
And Eddie being cross-faded, all open and smiley, gave her a high five. 
“Hell yeah!” he exclaimed, chuckling.
“What the hell are you doing here?” she asked.
“A quick getaway with the band and my pretty girl over here.”
That’s when she finally acknowledged you. “Nice to meet you… You are?”
There was that little cut in your chest. You’d heard her say your name. She knew who you were. And she was making it very clear what your place was.
“Can I get a selfie with you?” she asked Eddie when you didn’t respond.
Here was a stranger. A fucking stranger trying to put you in your place.
Eddie nodded. “Fuck yeah, no problem.”
And Eddie wasn’t even aware. He couldn’t understand.
The girl turned to you, giving you a once over like Ronnie had earlier. “Actually, would you take the picture?”
And it was like a punch in the gut, her tight-lipped smile so different than the one given to your boyfriend. She was playing a game behind Eddie’s back, making her disdain for your presence known.
As you took the photo, some part of you couldn’t help but agree with her. Maybe your presence wasn’t as welcome as you once thought. Maybe you didn’t have a place here. Eddie just might not have seen it yet. Maybe he would soon.
When the girl walked away, bumping your shoulder on her way out, Eddie planted a sloppy kiss to your cheek and wiggled his fingers under yours before tugging slightly.
“C’mere,” he said, voice nearly overshadowed by the music. “Screw the next round. Lemme dance with my gorgeous girl. Hm?” You merely shrugged. “This reminds me of the night we met. Remember?”
That brought a smile back to your face. “How could I forget?”
He grinned, kissing your forehead. “Favorite Beatles song?”
“’Ticket To Ride’.”
“Excellent choice off of Help!”
You rolled your eyes. “Why thank you.”
“Just come here, baby.” How he was able to pull you closer was beyond you. “I’ll keep you safe. I promise.”
You sighed and nodded, letting him turn you around before heading back to the pit for another round of revelry and chaos.
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“Did I stand out tonight?” you asked, the last of the alcohol turning you into a secret sharer. “Like, did I embarrass you?”
“What? No, baby. Never. Why would you think that?”
You and Eddie had sobered up by the time you fell into bed. But neither of you were quite tired yet, still buzzing off the energy of the nightlife. You caught each other’s eyes, heads on pillows turned towards one another. Moonlight dripping through the curtains. Eddie there, all porcelain and blue. All beauty and grace.
“’Cause I wasn’t dressed like you and Gareth and Grant and Jeff and Ronnie and—”
Eddie’s lips cut you off, all gentle and lovely.
“I like you just the way you are,” he said. “Would you want me to be someone else?”
You shook your head. “Never.”
 “Exactly.” Huffing, his eyelids drooped before they fluttered back open. A soft smile adorned his lips. “You called me a pretty boy in your song.”
You chuckled. “Yes, Eddie. Yes, I did.”
“You think I’m a pretty boy?”
“The prettiest.”
“I like that. Pretty boy. People think I’m all mean and scary.”
“In reality, you’re just a soft, pretty boy.”
“The softest,” he agreed. “And the prettiest.”
“I won’t tell anyone, don’t worry.”
“You already did, silly girl.”
You said nothing.
Eddie took your hand, holding it against his chest. 
“Wanna ask you something true.”
“Yeah, what is it?”
“What do you miss the most from before?”
You thought about it, fiddling with his tank top all the while. 
There was a lot about life before fame that still held value to you. The simplicity of going grocery shopping or to the farmer’s market. Writing in a coffee shop for hours while strangers flitted around you. Walking around thrift shops. Taking your time doing literally anything. 
But there was one place you could always stay invisible. A place that transported you to a different time, a different dimension. Come out a different person than before. You could almost taste the buttered popcorn and your favorite soft drink combo. You could almost taste that kind of anonymity again.
You smiled. “Probably going to the movies.”
“You could probably rent out a theater for a matinee showing. No one goes to those.”
“I did,” you said, smiling. “It was my favorite thing to do. Get a few dollars off, have the theater with one or two people who also had a day off. It was fun. I’d save up just to go see a movie.”
Eddie’s grasp on your hand tightened. “I think that’s cool. I always went to the movies and now I just pay for streaming. It’s actually pretty shit.”
“It sucks,” you agreed.
He let out a hum. “You’re making me miss it. Fuck.”
“Do you ever want to go back to that?” you asked softly. “You know, just being a person and not a celebrity.”
“If you asked me six months ago, I might’ve said yes.” The smallest smile reached his tired face. “But I never would’ve met you if I hadn’t gotten famous.”
“Yeah, that’s true,” you breathed.
“I wouldn’t trade you for the world.”
“I never want to be with anyone else ever again,” you confessed, closing your eyes. “I think you’re the best thing to ever happen to me. It’s just scary.”
“Don’t be scared, sweetheart,” he said, voice seemingly farther away than before. “You have me.”
And as sleep began to wash over you, you were left with one last sentence.
“You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
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A special thank you to @strangergraphics for her help with these cool dividers!!! Always in love with what you come up with.
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arkangelo-7 · 9 days ago
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Oh he look beautiful!!
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silksongeveryday · 1 year ago
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Drawing Hornet everyday until Silksong comes out - Day 211
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So uh….that news about Unity…
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sunrizef1 · 5 months ago
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You tell them, king
I wholeheartedly agree and will support every wrong or right it takes for him to get there
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canon-gabriel-quotes · 8 months ago
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I saw Gianni retweet your art on Twitter and I was like "I wonder if he knows...?"
I don’t think so >:3
Trick people into reposting gabe ass with one simple trick! Click here to find out how.
I didn’t even notice that happened cause I turned off all my notifications everywhere a few days ago for peace and quiet
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cream-and-tea · 5 months ago
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[ID in alt]
our paige.
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bigalockwood · 8 months ago
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My contribution to Wille's month, day 1: Sandwich.
Hosted by @youngroyals-events
A missing scene from my newest story, we’ll make a home on the cracks (glowing review).
Or you can read it on AO3 over here.
Wile took the sandwich out of Simon’s outstretched hand. He liked the way his bigger hand looked next to Simon’s smaller one, liked the way Simon smiled at him when his touch lingered.
They got on their bikes to drive to the strawberry fields like Simon had suggested and Wille unwrapped the sandwich, carrying on cycling all the while. He was hungry enough to eat ten of them, he thought.
Thanks to countless summers spent doing virtually nothing but biking, he was good at it, letting go of his bike, balancing it out and avoiding the larger holes in the street while eating.
He’d forgotten what it felt like to be free and happy. Had forgotten how much he loved the wind in his hair and the thrill of being a little reckless. He gripped the sandwich a bit tighter, pressing the bland toast into a thin mockery of a slice of bread.
Carefully he looked over to Simon. The sun shone hot and strong, but there was also a breeze coming from the sea, and Simon’s curls were tousled, his tan beautiful against the colors of the cliffs, the foxglove and cranesbill, the sea pink and Cornish heath looking like they were the background to a painting, with Simon at its center.
“Look!” Simon called out, pointing out toward the horizon.
A large sailboat was gliding along the waves, driven forward by the wind.
Simon laughed, looking happy and carefree, unlike this morning, when he’d been so unbearably sad, mirroring Wille’s inner tumult. Now, his eyes were crinkled with how much he was smiling, his cheeks dry, the tears long since gone.
Wille stuffed the final bite of his sandwich into his mouth: the further inland they got, the more treacherous the roads became and at this point it was little more than a potholed gravel road. He didn’t want to risk falling.
The sandwich was a bit dry, the bread clearly the cheap kind and already stale, the cheese boring, but the butter was nice and salty and the cucumber fresh and juicy. Wille had never eaten a better sandwich.
Simon was waiting for him a few meters ahead, his own sandwich already eaten.
He leaned forward, swiped his thumb along Wille’s chin.
“You’ve got a few crumbs here,” he said, but Wille saw none on his finger.
He didn’t say anything though, happy to be touched by Simon.
A gull circled over them as the breeze picked up, Wille’s shirt lifting up a bit in its current.
Simon’s gaze immediately wandered down to the exposed skin. His hands found a home there as he leaned over- it wasn’t entirely easy, as they were still straddling their bikes, but they managed. Wile’s skin tingled pleasantly.
Wille leaned into Simon, their noses brushing.
“Did it taste good?” Simon asked.
Wille nodded.
“It was the best sandwich I ever had.”
Simon laughed in disbelief, but Wille had been serious. Whether it was the company he’d eaten it in or the smell of the sea in his nose. Never had a sandwich tasted better. Never had it tasted as much like freedom.
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woundedheartwithin · 2 months ago
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Back on my meds, making a damn decent paycheck despite how many days I had to take off this month, my mom’s feeling better now that she’s home and we’ve figured everything out, our neighbor’s gonna build us a wheelchair ramp for cheap, and my dad miiiiiiiiight be buying a new car as we speak 🤞 (my mom just can’t get into the truck anymore, and she hasn’t wanted to drive her two seater for a while now, so we’re trading it for something practical). Things are finally going fairly well, all things considered ❤️
#she speaks#after the absolute hell we’ve been in all October I think we deserve a fucking break#hopefully this post doesn’t jinx the car lol#we’re keeping the truck obv cuz like we got livestock#but the lil beamer has got to go unfortunately#sad it’s a fun lil car#but it hasn’t been getting the love it deserves and it’s time for something more suited to our needs as a family#kinda exciting really I hope we get it#we all fucking hate spending money so both my parents have been waffling on it for a couple of days#but like I told them mama you got a doctor’s appointment next week for your g tube#and then a hospital follow up with our pcp the week after that#and you’re gonna have to see a gi and a nutritionist pretty regularly#and there’s gonna be more surgeon follow ups I’m sure#and eventually we’re gonna need to take you to outpatient pt cuz we can’t have a home health pt forever#cuz insurance only pays for it for like six weeks#so either we’re gonna have to rent a car every time you go to the doctor#or we gotta buy one#and like this isnt going away you’ll have to go to the doctor often#cuz you’re missing like half of your small intestine#so getting a rental all the time is gonna suck#it would be better to have a car you can get in and out of easily just on hand#not to mention eventually you’re gonna wanna get out of this house just for the hell of it#and it’s not like we can wake up one morning and decide hey let’s go on a day trip#and then waste two hours driving back and forth from the nearest enterprise#which is on an extremely busy two lane highway and is FUCKING terrifying to get to lmfao#so with any luck my dad will keep that in mind and not back out at the dealership lol
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vulpinesaint · 2 months ago
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it’s like. i love being trans. and also if there was a loving god he wouldn’t do this to me
#usually my mental illness is emotional Nothingness. when i take wellbutrin i can feel again!#and when the wellbutrin loses efficacy i keep the feeling but lose the good ones so i just unlock Regular Depression. which fucking Sucks#and a couple weeks ago i ran out of t gel and it is a controlled substance so they wouldn’t give me my refill until the full 60 days were up#which meant i had to be off t for like a week. and i was so so hopeful that it wouldn’t do anything to me.#but it restarted my cycle so i’m bleeding rn. and it is so fucking awful#it Hurts and it feels Humiliating and Wrong#cramps and stomach issues And dysphoria and bleeding. nothing more evil to do to me right now#and it’s worse cause i was done with that. i literally GOT RID OF IT. I PUT THE WORK IN. I WAS FREE.#but i couldn’t have my medicine and now i no longer control my own body. horrifying. so horrifying#wore a kind of ill fitting binder today too and it kickstarted Other dysphoria on the drive home so. messed up rn.#i just want to be able to live my life man. i want to have a body that looks and functions like me#and can feel things and do things#and doesn’t subject me to hurt in multiple multiple ways. that would be really cool.#genuinely it does not fucking matter if god loves me. cause if this is what i go through when he loves me#then i don’t want his fucking love.#i hope god kills himself actually#i want to wake up and just be able to put a shirt on and leave the house. can you imagine a fucking world#gonna try nd sleep for like five minutes and then go to dinner with my mom. i can be okay. i can be stronger than my struggles#i just need to be really fucking angry with god.#great time to be reading paradise lost#valentine notes
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chibishortdeath · 11 months ago
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Started playing Fear and Hunger recently and this guy is pretty silly. I like that he likes bugs, that’s a green flag in my book, bugs are great.
Nothing in this post in particular is mature, but the game itself is, it’s a pretty dark horror game, so I’ll be putting some content warnings in the tags so any talk about the game on my account can be filtered out easier!
Some thoughts about the game under a cut :3
I haven’t played as Enki tho, I picked Cahara because he’s easier and it’s my first playthrough, and he’s pretty cool too. I really love the character and monster designs in this game. The art is super cool :3. I’ve had the worst luck this run tho oh my god; I started the game took like two steps and immediately got blindsighted by three dogs. All the enemies in the first left entrance area spawned in the first room. Two elite guards spawned in the room past the prisons instead of the usual one. Moonless would not spawn for like a solid few reloads and then ended up on the bottom of the map instead of the top where they usually are. I talked to Nosramus (love them, they’re great, they were off screen the whole conversation tho whoops) and immediately afterwards got the crow mauler text and had to leave the room. Got D’arce and promptly ran into a yellow mage and lost my arm! It’s been wild and I’m even just playing on easy mode 💀💀💀!!! My computer also kinda sucks and lags sometimes, but yeah! The game is fun!!!!! I have no idea how far I am in it, but I’m almost to where Le’garde is captured. My whole strategy has been fuck around and find out and it’s working XD!!! I kinda expected it to be scarier, but that might be because I’m a little used to horror as a genre in general, but it’s a nice balance of spooky atmosphere and usual RPG action stuff in a way that comes off sincere and not like edgy for the sake of being edgy if that makes sense. It’s cool :3
Anyway there’s a lot of games I’ve started recently and haven’t finished so I guess I’ll be playing those for a while. I still need to beat CV64, I’m just currently stuck on the uh gear platforming section with the bomb. If you know, you know 💀💀💀. It’s hard. I also have to beat Curse of Darkness, but I’m really close to the end in that one I’m just getting all the random side rooms and stuff. Raising more innocent devils besides my main team just to be able to open a door is a little tedious tbh, but eh it’s an excuse to play the game for longer so I’ll take it. But yeah, hopefully life actually lets me beat all these games so I can talk about them more (TwT ;).
#fear and hunger#funger#fear and hunger 1#enki ankarian#fear and hunger enki#f&h enki#f&h#f&h fanart#art post#yippie! gaming moment#my laptop SUCKS though ong#sometimes it just makes loud static sounds whenever it needs an update at random times#I have a video of it yelling at me to update it in the middle of when I was playing funger like shut up I am going to update you after this#also the lag makes it really really hard to enter doors help me—#I’ll press the arrow key once and Cahara (whom I’ve named TheRizzler) will take TWO STEPS#I gotta do all the extra bullshit to accommodate my dumbass former highschool laptop’s antics like 💀💀💀#here’s to hoping it doesn’t suddenly lose sound on me like it used to lmaooooooo#yeah the game is fun tho ong I have no idea what I’m doing 😎#my guy TheRizzler has died of infection and bleeding a lot cause I couldn’t find the items to cure it lmao#once I do manage to beat the game eventually I’ll probably play Enki next even though he’s like a bad beginner choice cause he’s silly!!!#I found out recently I have enough stuff to closet cosplay him and did that a while back and the fit slays honestly#if I ever get comfortable enough to show my face on here I might post about it but for now ehhhhhh#tw horror#tw horror game#cw horror#cw fear and hunger#incoherent rambling#this game is also making me wanna work on my game too like#I’m stuck in the process of making it cause I can’t decide thematically if I want a battle system and enemies or not#and also map making is hard and tedious aughhh I will do it for the silly ocs tho rahhhhhh funger bestow upon me inspiration pls
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atopvisenyashill · 3 months ago
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do love how this is an asoiaf blog but i did not put either show in my top 10 this is the world we live in
#the only season that really compares to the book is season 1.#the rest even when they’re engaging have changed something that feels so central to the hook that i’m mad aksjd.#getting on my soap box#if iwtv s3 is good it may knock someone out. probably qaf.#bsg is p high up there i just think season 4 really suffered on pacing & the suspicious nature of who dies annoyed me.#veep is also very high up there tbh i need to rewatch it. the thing is. as we know. i am a romantic at heart and amy & jonah have my favorit#sitcom relationship. veep has genuinely one of the best finales to ever exist but i’m a sap.#and amy coming back to tell jonah that he made her realize she doesn’t actually have to expect the worst from life. oh my god.#also superstore >>> parks & rec >>> the office bc superstore never romanticized the hell of their job#amy quitting her corporate job when she realized she would never be able to make the changes she wanted within the system she was always#going to compromise too much and wind up like jeff. glenn reopening his dad’s hardware shop & specifically who goes w him & who stays w gina#at the store? it has what the other two lack which is characters that feel like they keep existing after you stop watching#BECAUSE the way they interacted with the world was so real and so much more realistic. amy can’t fix the system but she can find a job that#she doesn’t feel is so soul sucking. glenn may be choosing a harder path by reopening the hardware store but it’s the one that makes him#most fulfilled. gina just gets to make money and be bossy w people who do what they’re told. that rings so true to me.#i almost out bojack horseman in here too actually but once again i think the last season just needed to be a tad longer just like bsg.#also same issue w pitch as w bly manor - it’s an amazingly written season of tv but it’s ONE season of tv#big brother as always outsells yes i am hoping to tempt some of u into watching by posting dan & ian in the dog costume#i have that gif and the ‘sit’ scene saved on my phone always
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veilord · 4 months ago
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I’m writing this because I can’t stop thinking about sbg and I’m really excited for the next chapters but I’m really impatient and I can’t buy coins :(
I love “School Bus Graveyard” so much and I recently reread the entire comic because I stoped reading for a while. I had fun but it really reinforced the major criticisms I have with it, and that is the pacing and telling instead of showing.
The best way I can think to explain it is that the story goes to fast, especially in the first season.
Like it starts with the cold open to the kids almost getting got by the phantom before going back to give us the context of what’s happening. And this works great to hook readers when the start of the story is a bit slow. Then we have the kids bonding on the trip before they are pulled into the phantom dimension for the first time, and it’s great!! I love the first night and was getting so invested in what would happen next! Then it skips back to the time during the opening.
Skipping boring or irrelevant stuff in a story is expected, we don’t want to watch the kids go to all their classes during school if we don’t need to. This skip isn’t like that, it skips over a lot of interesting story that we need to know about to understand how the kids got into the situation they’re in during the opening. So the story has to full us in on the stuff skipped and dose so by just having Ashlyn monologue about it.
I didn’t notice when I was reading but thinking back this happens a lot, the story skips ahead to the more plot relevant and exciting stuff and has Ashlyn fill in what we missed. This results in the story having almost no downtime which, isn’t good. It makes the story very fast and can be confusing, like when preparing for getting the jeep Ashlyn says it takes a lot of preparation and practice, but we don’t see any of it. So when the plan goes wrong because the keys were moved we aren’t as panicked and confused as the kids. Well it may have been weeks or months in story for us it seems like a few days at most. I have no clue how long they have actually been dealing with the phantoms but the way the story is paced makes it seem like they have only been dealing with it for a short time, making how stressed and tired they are seem like to much.
But I find the biggest problem with the pacing and lack of downtime is how it screws over the characters. When the time skips happen we lose so much character building. We don’t see how they interacted right after the first night in the phantom dimension, how they handled the second night, how they all got to the graveyard, all the arguments about going back to savanna, what they text in the group chat, visiting each others houses, Tyler teaching Ben guitar, just hanging out. When we are told backstory’s they don’t hit very hard because we don’t know much about the characters, we never got to know them. When Tyler falls on the tree and we get his backstory it’s informative and sad and stuff, but then it tells us that Tyler sees the gang as a second family and… what. When I first read that I was genuinely confused, it felt like it came out of nowhere, like they just met, he barely knows any of them. But they didn’t just meet, they’ve known each other for months and have been surviving together every night and hanging out often during the day, but we didn’t see any of it. We only see them in stressful situations so we never really see Tyler warm up to the group, we don’t get the sense that any of these kids are really friends most of the time. The few hangout scenes we get are so good, they let us relax and get to know the characters as they get to know each other. And we know that they hang out more than the two times shown so it super sucks we don’t see more.
The characters need more room to breathe and establish themselves as individuals and as part of the group. As it is whenever one character get more focus it feels like the others are pushed to the side, like there isn’t enough room for all of them when I think there could be more then enough room.
I hope this makes sense I’m not proofreading it lmao. I do really like this story and a lot of my complaints feel less relevant to season two, but because a lot of these problems happen in season one when set up and character building is most important for establishing a steady base for the story to build on it’s very noticeable even as the writing improves. Maybe one day Red can go back and improve the story somehow, but that seems unlikely so I hope these issues continue to be improved as the comic goes on.
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tariah23 · 6 months ago
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Man….. :(
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unusual-suspects · 7 days ago
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theshadowrealmitself · 1 year ago
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*really late at night/early morning*
Brain: Hey, I know you’re exhausted, but for the first time in forever I’m gonna make you feel inspired to write a story, I’m also gonna give you a really good outline of how the story goes and how it ends, which you usually have trouble with
Me: But-
Brain: Oh I know, you’re not gonna be able to do it tonight, you’re also gonna lose that motivation to do it when you wake up, this is just to fuck with you rn while you try to sleep :3c
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toastybugguy · 10 months ago
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one of those days when shit just happens to you and you realize you probably will never get closure and will have to learn how to cope with it on your own. good god. where is the fucking rewind button!!
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